Tuesday, July 28, 2020


insomnia is a familiar annoyance for me.
pandemic insomnia is a whole 'nother struggle. 

nedra tawwab shared about the collective trauma we're experiencing. the coronacoaster. i wonder how you're doing? it feels bizarre and wonderful, mostly terrible, knowing we are all in this together.

even when i don't think it's on my mind, i know coronavirus makes everything feel exaggerated right now. we fight for life in the groundhog-day-ness of it all. and when will it end? how? 

financial burdens loom, homeschool planning, chronic illness, scorching alabama heat. rampant injustices in every sphere, white supremacy and anti-blackness on full display. unrest, grief and death are all around us. 
all realities to rightly feel.

i don't know how to do any of this. 
being a person, a parent, life partner, family member, friend, neighbor; it all feels dimensions away from my ability. 

i want to sleep. am i trying too hard? 
how do you press pause on a brain, muting thoughts and summon peace? 
i ask god for these miracles. 
i ask god to lull me from chaos to comfortable rest. 

waiting is exhausting but rarely enough to send me true respite and rest. i'm weary and desperate for sleep but i can't get there.

sometimes i'm content to lay still, which is close enough at times. stillness is a gift. why am i greedy for more?

my body and mind, they're set up to shut down after awhile. right, god? can you hear me tonight/this morning, god?

some night music is magic. reading can be too. when everything, even stillness, feels too much or if i can't feel anything at all i read comforting things. i'll get lost in my favorite asmr trigger videos, check on my favorite social media connections, snuggle with our cats. 

right now i am back to the stillness and i think this quick vent did the trick. my eyes are finally heavy and i feel relief in the birds' song outside my window. my ceiling fan has just the perfect rhythm and i hope to dance in a dream.