Thursday, November 29, 2012

something i want

i'm so glad we rushed to buy elijah new cozy jammies that fit him.
because he wants to sleep in regular clothes.
we don't mind so much, i mean, at least he's sleeping. sometimes :)

speaking of sleep. i need some. but first, a few thoughts brewing, rambled here.
as a note to myself, and possibly for you too.

december is nearly upon us.
to help focus our head and hearts toward the true spirit of christmas, 
we'll be doing this plan with our favorite storybook and reading from this as well.

i get all weepy sometimes. any old time, but especially during christmas.

as a parent, i had these visions of what christmases would look like for our family.
and like so many things, actual life doesn't look at all like my visions.

we're not certain how much elijah understands, but we know it's more than we think. you know?
so we read aloud and talk about everything under the sun. especially during christmas.

we want elijah to understand christmas.
we want our son to know the gospel.
we want him to grasp the free grace of jesus.
more than reading and trying to be creative in presentation, we pray.
it's really the spirit who will pierce his heart with the truth, not us or anyone else.

we want him to brush his teeth, and sleep through the night.
we want him to be able stop wearing diapers and tolerate a haircut.
we want him to have friends and learn to read and write.

we want him to have a conversation.

last year, i thought 
next year will be so different! elijah will be so much more grown up 
and understand so much more! won't that be awesome!?

except. here we are. this is next year.
sure, there is much progress to be grateful for! so much awakening in our sweet boy!
but. it isn't what i wanted to see.
and this is the true problem. my heart.
it's still selfish and often ahead of the lord.

it's not wrong to want my son to learn and grow.
it's not wrong to want christmas to be relaxing and fun instead of worrying about overstimulation.
it's not wrong to want to reach him. 
unless i want to reach him more than i cling to jesus.

i want to want HIM more.
i want him to help me be content...
wherever he brings us, and however long it takes to get us there.

this christmas will be another very different one. 
but i think it could be the best one ever, if we leave it to the greatest gift giver.


  1. hannah, i just can't come over here and read your beautiful heart without learning SO MUCH about my own. even through very different circumstances, you teach me so much. thank you for such a poignant glimpse into your heart and your family. praying your christmas is beautiful and perfect because of Him :)

  2. Dear Hannah, I hear your heart's cry. You are such a wise and caring mother to Elijah. I pray you find the blessings in the small things of Christmas as you share the gospel story with your son and with each other.

  3. i hear you.
    i get it.
    i feel it too.
    what a wonderful mother you are, hannah!

  4. i love you, your heart, and for pointing me to Christ so consistently. your christmas will be so beautiful.

  5. thank you for writing these words. Love love love you and your sweet fam. Pray it is the best ever. Every year. Grace upon Grace upon Grace <3 <3

  6. And since you know the Truth and you are pointing your child to it, and modeling it for him, you are on the right track.
    God's light can reach the darkest sinner, He can certainly reach a beloved child.
    They seem to be the apple of His eye, after all.
    I pray for you and the family that this Christmas will be the merriest, most peaceful, most love filled one ever!

  7. crying reading this...praying for you, sweet loving mama. xoxo

  8. mmmm. love this post.

    i have been learning too about not trying to rush things along with the Lord. Certain things will their own sweet time...not me forcing it to happen, but when the Lord is ready. And I'm learning that by my trying to FORCE things, I'm not really walking in the truth. often, i try to force/rush myself to feel a certain just way just to earn God's favor. I'm learning to just let things be as is and not try to force things and to just be honest and real about what is actual life. and it's been SO FREEING learning to wait....and trusting my salvation does not hinge upon things being perfect.

  9. You are so right. I give way to to the temptation to wish the days a way sometimes. Or to wish for different circumstances, any reason to not be present in the NOW that is such a gift. You're doing the right things! He will understand. Your love is a mirror of God's love, and that is priceless.

  10. Indeed it is hard to reconcile what we envisioned with what is. But we are right to seek His everlasting love, forgiveness, and peace. It will most certainly be given.

  11. all i have to say is you are one awesome woman of god.

  12. giiiiirrrlll, this is some truth. I believe that because of yours and P's faithfulness, Jesus will reach E. Rest in that friend.Love you!.

  13. waiting on the Lord is so hard when we don't know what we will see on the other side... but believing that what HE wants for our life is beautiful... more beautiful than what we could have imagined or planned for ourselves can be incredibly freeing. hard. painful. and humbling. but freeing. you are an amazing mama for wanting such wonderful things for your son. and even more amazing for wanting him to truly know and love the most beautiful thing of all. praying Christmas is magical for you guys, no matter what!

  14. When I was first waiting to hear from the doctors about my brain tests, I was telling Jesus how much I love my kids. He so sweetly responded that He loves them more. I know that you know that, but I'm asking God to tangibly show you and P that He loves Elijah more than you in a way that only He can. I believe He placed E in your home for a beautiful purpose. He chose you two to speak His truth into E's life. That is profound, my friend. Love you and I continue to pray for you!

  15. The Storybook Bible is currently dead to Ashlyn because of the fiery planets in the beginning of Genesis. "They are too hot, mama. And will burn. I don't like that book!" I am very sad about this. And I feel you on special needs expectations. It's hard, Hannah. Jesus is our rock. He knows us. And knows our babies. I love you.