i don't remember a time in my childhood saying anything remotely close to "i wanna stay home, mama". like, ever. sorry mom and dad, it's not you, it's me. i had a yearning for adventure, and almost always wanted outside the confines of my home and family. being away was my happy place.
now, i'm a mama. and let me tell you. this boy of mine is a home body, head to toe. the child prefers home, he craves his own familiar space and all the comfort that cradles him there. thankfully, i'm a huge part of that! "i stay here, mama. stay home and play with you". not much feels better than being your son's number one pick for all things. well, at least until his papa comes home from work. elijah doesn't actually play with me for very long at a time, but it's beautiful and clear, he like me nearby.
toss kindergarten into the equation.
your result is a cacophonic gnashing of teeth to "stay home!!!" "please help me, i wanna stay here!" "zero school, no more school. ZERO." i can't handle it. if i had my way, i would give in every dang morning, letting him stay home. and probably buy him donuts.
well, why don't i just homeschool?
that's been in the prayer closet for a time now, and the answer for today is no. in my dreams i keep elijah home and teach him all the important and fun things he needs to know. there are many encouraging stories of homeschooling with special needs, and that excites me! but the thing is, we asked for direction about his schooling and the lord gave us peace and a green light for school. and he's going. for now elijah needs more than i can give him at home. that pains me so deeply to say out loud, but it's so true. the structure and intensity of things in the program he's attending now is exactly what he needs today. next year? sixth grade? the lord only knows. and we trust him to lead us every year to the right place, home or not.
i don't love him less because i send him to school, and he doesn't love me more because he prefers to be at home all day. we just love. wherever we are, together or apart, we love each other. need each other.
we wake up each day, elijah asking for juice and me wondering how is this my life? i love him so much!
i don't feel like i know what i'm doing as a mama. i think alan jackson was singing about marriage, and amen to that, but me and my boy? we're "livin' on love", too. not the feely, fuzzy sort all the time, but a lot of the time, even that. we have a higher, deeper truer than true love in jesus. he knit our family together, he chose me to be elijah's mom. we're livin' on his love for us, and that oozes into our daily for one another. the lord brought us here to this moment and he's ahead of us in the next. i can trust him to help me with decisions and parenting, because i know he delights in our good for his glory. he is the why and the way i love elijah so much. lord, help me love well!
*i challenged myself to sit five minutes and just write something every day this week. this is what came out today :)