i've never been much of an anxious/worrying sort of person. until recently, these feelings are fought throughout most of my days and nights. small fears and concerns, and big life changing ones, too. one minute i think i'm fully trusting the lord, and then heart-splitting fear strikes me down. so much so, that i almost forget all about the lord. obviously i hate this and am praying and praying for the lord to free me from fears. to tell him all about them, give them to him, and rest in him.
it's been over a week since i had the most terrible dream. my dreams are usually vividly detailed with color, sound and smell. as you can imagine, sometimes that's awesome. other times, i awake shaking, drenched in a salty mix of sweat and tears, scared, hurting and nearly out of my mind.
in this particular dream, that i cannot seem to shake, my son was seriously injured. i was stuck and couldn't help him as he was in excruciating pain, breathing his last breaths. i'm crying as i type this, mostly because this is the saddest thought to think, but also, because i still feel that anxious, terrified feeling as if this is all real and happening right now.
i'm telling you this because as i'm continually needing to give this to jesus, i'm being so encouraged. it seems a little weird maybe, but i am grateful for that horrible nightmare. it showed me a real, living issue in my heart. i do fear not being able to help my son. not only from injury, but in his everyday life in general. i feel ill equipped and uncertain, and sometimes preoccupied with paralyzing thoughts. "what if he runs or wanders off and i can't find him before..." "will he struggle in school?" "will he ever have a true friend?" "does he really need medicine to help him settle down?" to name a few.
well, as i mentioned on sunday, the lord has been kind to remind me of what to do when i feel stricken with worry and anxiety over various things. the deal is,
life is hard and scary sometimes. the future, our weakness and inadequacies are heard things to let go of and see christ sovereign over. praise jesus, he gives us grace when we fail to lean wholly on his true, never giving up love and strength. it's never about what i can do to manage or prevent a thing. not one thought i think or step i take matters in light of god's perfect plan. he hasn't called me to do anything to have peace and freedom. all he asks is to trust him. believe he is who he says he is and live each moment accordingly. he knows my puny human heart needs reminded every ding dang day, and he meets me right there. i've been marinating in psalm 138. when i cry to him he gives me strength and wisdom to choose to rest in his peace and sing of his joy.
speaking god's truth to myself, reciting scripture, hearing it, praying to the god who holds the universe. this is how fear dissolves into nothing and the light of LIFE takes over my life.
"When faced with adversity, Your truth constantly reminds me that You command the seas with ease and with words, You turn a wind to breeze. Helps me understand that we stand on a solid Rock, not on sinking sand. Through the providence of pain You perfect Your plan. Pre-destined, we test it when the works and words of God cooperate and educate men in a great gift of grace and faith - That even though it’s obvious when my outlook’s ominous, You bound my heart and my conscious, and gave me a constant calmness. So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains it’s strain, I can put my trust in the hands that sustain. It’s profound that with all these sinking ships around me, He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding. Oh, Lord Good to me, good to me Good to me" anchor // beautiful eulogy