Thursday, May 02, 2013

six years makes a steady heart


six years ago i had a second ectopic pregnancy that would put a dream to rest. 
i remember how angry and hurt i was, dealing with another failed pregnancy. another baby early to heaven. sometimes that scar aches sorely and the disappointment feels new again. thankfully now, i've been able to recover quickly when those memories bring fresh pain and longing for what could have been. the lord is so gracious. 

a few weeks ago i was listening to mindy smith and her song out of control played. i had just heard news that a third friend within a week lost her baby. i listened to those familiar lyrics:

the blood is dry in the wounds i hide
the scars are settling in
so i keep the light low and they still show
i sit and count every stitch

what it means, what it really means
it's time i let everything go
that's killing me and turning me
spinning me so out of control
i don't want to let go
i don't want to let go

don't know what for but these open doors
keep slamming in on me
and if life's a joke then it's getting old
and i hope god's looking out for me

i was flooded with old emotions. i wept for my sweet friends who'd lost as i prayed for jesus, the ultimate  comforter, to rush to them and hold them tightly. 
some tears were for me.
so clearly i recalled that mindy smith concert, where i started spotting and realized it was over. it was happening again. i wouldn't carry or birth a baby. 
i wondered if i'd ever stop crying. and i wondered if i'd ever be hopeful for anything again.

"when days of darkness come, remember that lessons are learned on such days which would never be learned in sunshine." j.c. ryle

these last six years, the lord has drawn me closer to himself. and i believe that it's through my hidden scars and that i've seen him so well. he's been faithful to answer when i cry to him. he listens and lifts me up. grieving is lifelong. in order to avoid living in depression and fight for joy in the midst, i pray. that the lord would continue to steady my heart. that he would help me remember that he. is. here. and that he would equip me with strength to share my stories as often as he ordains opportunity. because my pain will not be wasted. neither will yours. he will work it for our good, and his glory. he will steady our hearts.

watch this video on vimeo

Wish it could be easyWhy is life so messyWhy is pain a part of usThere are days I feel likeNothing ever goes rightSometimes it just hurts so much

But You're hereYou're realI know I can trust YouEven when it hurtsEven when it's hardEven when it all just falls apartI will run to YouCause I know that You are
Lover of my soulHealer of my scarsYou steady my heartI'm not gonna worryI know that You got meRight inside the palm of your handEach and every momentWhat's good and what gets brokenHappens just the way that You plan

And I will run to YouAnd find refuge in Your armsAnd I will sing to YouCause of everything You areYou steady my heart

throughout this month i'll be sharing a few posts from my view of motherhood. some of my favorite people will be joining me for this series, too! i'm so looking forward to sharing our posts with you, please join us!


18 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing your heart hannah.
    he makes it beautiful.

    2 Corinthians 1:3-5

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. *grieving is lifelong* - yes
    so thankful for His peace that passes ALL understanding

    We lost 2 babies, one year apart, and though it's still so hard to wrap our brains and hearts around it - He is there, making Himself known all the more in our lives. Missing them with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing. I am so thankful God carries and cares.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's amazing to me how God works through you and your posts written with such heart and honesty. I'm praying I can get there, but I'm not quite there yet. At least not to be so raw and honest. It's a hard thing to share such personal hurts and scars, and I admire you, friend. Know that God is using you and may you be abundantly blessed for it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for these words today. needed to read them... thanks :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love your blog and I cannot wait to follow! Thanks for sharing that verse in Psalm, I have been reading a lot of that book in the Bible lately and love it! Looking forward to following. I am new to the blogging scene, follow me at http://foreverconvinced.blogspot.com/

    :)
    xoxo Jess

    ReplyDelete
  7. um. i dont even know what to say through the tears. im almost 2 months out from our little one going Home, and have welcomed joy lately...but late last night I had a little breakdown to Parker. Kindof came out of nowhere, which i know is to be expected. I needed your words today friend. Love you so.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hannah. This was so good to read. Thanks for Sharig your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  9. grieving is lifelong - I am so sorry. Hugs, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for sharing your heart so opening so others may be comforted. I have two babies with Jesus, too. I am praying for your three friends to feel God's love and peace.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Don't really know what to say except that God is so good and I miss them too. And God sent you like angel to North Dakota less than a month before we lost our first baby. April 29th 2010 was the due date. I love you!

    -linnea

    ReplyDelete
  12. not sure if my other comment went through. i love your heart. and that song. your testimony is glorious. only HE can make beauty of the ashes and your life is beautiful. xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Amen! Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt, sweet friend. Love and prayers are with you.

    I'm a new follower from Casey Leigh. I'd love to have you some time!
    NewlyMynted

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, dear friend, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story and sharing how you pursue joy. Hugs to you. May God comfort you in the joy and grief filled days.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Such heart wrenching yet beautiful words sister, I can't imagine your struggle and pain through the years, but wanted to let you know your words have touched me, and I'm sure many more. He's definitely working it out for the good.:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you for sharing your heart. It's so refreshing to read honesty like this. God is at work in you! :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for reminding me that my pain will not be wasted and that God will work it out for our good anduse it for His glory!

    ReplyDelete