delightful illustration by laura berger
to listen, to hear. i want my husband to be there, and i want him to want me, too. but sometimes?
sometimes i prefer to be alone.
in my decision making, in my work and in my play. i haven't always been this way. but as time marches onward and the wrinkles begin to pronounce their places on my face, i just don't want anyone bothering me. it takes a lot to keep my husband in "the loop" because of his work schedule.
isn't it just easier to do it all myself?
after all, i know myself and our schedule the best, so obviously i would know what we need better than any other soul. needing someone else, for wisdom, for comfort, for help. it's just not something i like facing the facts about. guess what?
god hasn't asked me what i enjoy facing. god knows that i don't know myself and my needs as well as i so haughtily think i do. he didn't make me the boss of anything. he made me a part of a whole.
a good relationship of any sort requires work and occasional discomfort. it's about doing for others, what they need and when they need it. even and especially when it's not in our time and energy budget. that's not the hardest part for me.
for some reason, i'm such a damn fool sometimes that i actually resist accepting those things from my husband or anyone else. it's what i crave the most, love and encouragement and help. yet i fight it more than i am grateful for it.
thankfully, there are times of refreshment and a sort of getting back on course. sometimes refreshment comes through pain.
i cut my finger badly this week while cleaning my food processor. that's all i'll share. it's gross, but praise jesus i'm fine, my finger is also fine and my husband came to the rescue.
he's helped me get dressed.
fed, bathed and played with elijah.
made sure i had anything i needed, and was gentle in reminding me to be careful while i try to do things anyway.
he's been helping me. and this little bit of urgent care drama really only shined light on the beauty that was there all along, but i'd looked right past it for weeks.
he's always been helping me. he's always been here for me and elijah. he works crazy long and hard and doesn't complain about anything i ever cook, or really anything i ever do. or don't do. he just shows up. and he loves us. he loves me.
this post is really for myself. if it makes any sense to you, then i'm glad to know it. i'm troubling myself to type this out with my sore, bandaged finger while it's fresh. to remember.
i will remember to accept my husband's help every day. to notice his love, to appreciate him. to laugh and cry with him. no more standing alone, even for a few days. because i'm not the only one.
we're a pair.
"put on then, as god's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. and let the peace of christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."