Friday, May 10, 2013

i'm not on my own

delightful illustration by laura berger

i love my husband. he's my best friend, and i want him.
to listen, to hear. i want my husband to be there, and i want him to want me, too. but sometimes? 

sometimes i prefer to be alone.
in my decision making, in my work and in my play. i haven't always been this way. but as time marches onward and the wrinkles begin to pronounce their places on my face, i just don't want anyone bothering me. it takes a lot to keep my husband in "the loop" because of his work schedule.
isn't it just easier to do it all myself?

after all, i know myself and our schedule the best, so obviously i would know what we need better than any other soul. needing someone else, for wisdom, for comfort, for help. it's just not something i like facing the facts about. guess what? 

god hasn't asked me what i enjoy facing. god knows that i don't know myself and my needs as well as i so haughtily think i do. he didn't make me the boss of anything. he made me a part of a whole.

a good relationship of any sort requires work and occasional discomfort. it's about doing for others, what they need and when they need it. even and especially when it's not in our time and energy budget. that's not the hardest part for me.
for some reason, i'm such a damn fool sometimes that i actually resist accepting those things from my husband or anyone else. it's what i crave the most, love and encouragement and help. yet i fight it more than i am grateful for it.

thankfully, there are times of refreshment and a sort of getting back on course. sometimes refreshment comes through pain.
i cut my finger badly this week while cleaning my food processor. that's all i'll share. it's gross, but praise jesus i'm fine, my finger is also fine and my husband came to the rescue.
he's helped me get dressed.
fed, bathed and played with elijah.
made sure i had anything i needed, and was gentle in reminding me to be careful while i try to do things anyway.
he's been helping me. and this little bit of urgent care drama really only shined light on the beauty that was there all along, but i'd looked right past it for weeks.
he's always been helping me. he's always been here for me and elijah. he works crazy long and hard and doesn't complain about anything i ever cook, or really anything i ever do. or don't do. he just shows up. and he loves us. he loves me.

this post is really for myself. if it makes any sense to you, then i'm glad to know it. i'm troubling myself to type this out with my sore, bandaged finger while it's fresh. to remember.

i will remember to accept my husband's help every day. to notice his love, to appreciate him. to laugh and cry with him. no more standing alone, even for a few days. because i'm not the only one.
we're a pair.

"put on then, as god's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. and let the peace of christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."
colissians 3:12-15


  1. Perfect reminder for me too. I do think I am superwoman sometimes. :)

    Feel better fast little finger!

  2. Oh boy do I hear you! I got VERY independent when I had a husband who had checked out emotionally, and sometimes physically. Then I was single for four years. Poor Andy, he's very patient and he loves me. It's a good thing:-)

  3. you got a good one. God knew. And I love reading about how he continues to work in you even in these smaller events. :) He is good.

    and get that finger better ASAP!

  4. such a great post! i needed to hear this today! my husband is not home at all on average 3 days a week. i just get so used to doing everything by my self. i need to remember that i don't have to. :)

  5. this is good. really sweet, beneficial and important things here. i love that your man loves you well. milk that finger for all it's worth. ; )

  6. love this so much.
    God is so kind and gracious to reveal these things to us gently.
    praying for your finger.

  7. love you.
    you are so right.
    and the best part? they want to help. they want to be our home base and our rock.
    we just have to let them.

  8. hate that you got hurt... Hope it feels better in no time!!

  9. I can definitely be this same way. I like to think I can do everything on my own without help, when in reality, I need a lot of it. Thanks for this xoxo

  10. i'm so, so much like this. fiercely and foolishly independent. and my husband is like yours, with the showing up and not complaining. i'm glad for the times that God reminds me of the treasure my marriage is, and to nurture this relationship, protect it and fight for it. (i'm not glad about your finger, though. that sounds incredibly painful and possibly traumatic. i hope you are healing well.)

    i know this was for you, but also it was for me. thanks, hannah.