Tuesday, April 16, 2013

just writing it down {wondering}

i wondered if i'd ever be able to look into his eyes again. 
if he'd respond to his name being called.
if he would ever be verbal. if he would ever ask for help. and let me help him.
i wondered when he would sit in my lap again, or stop destroying our home.
i wondered if he'd ever play instead of just throwing or lining things up.
i wondered if he'd ever sleep at night, or sit for more than five seconds.
i wondered if he'd ever stop running away every chance he gets.

i'm trying to do less wondering 
to speculate curiously or be curious about; be curious to know
and more wondering
to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel

i wonder at the way he knows what he needs and seeks it out. he likes tiny spaces, being swaddled in heavy blankets and being squeezed and pushed. he feels comfortable when he straps himself into his old baby seat. he likes every button buttoned, and short sleeves if they're his idea. which he usually chooses in winter. i wonder at his movement and problem solving skills. he can climb anything, unlock and open anything. i wonder at his learning to be safe. he still darts off from us, but it's not even happening once a day now! when he hears his name, he responds most of the time. 
he sings and dances. he's dramatic and intentional. i wonder if he'll be in the theater?
i wonder at his new love for saying cheese for the camera, and smiling for pictures. 
he pretends now, and it's his favorite. we're horses, transformers and dinosaurs and snakes. he cooks for me, and feeds me. i wonder at his love for shapes, letters and numbers. he's learning his colors, orange is the best. i'm confident that elijah knows his way around town better than i do. elijah amazes me. every single day.

we have a long way to go.
elijah has made a lot of progress. physically, developmentally, and even a little socially. 
the real progress has been in our hearts. in our accepting him, just the way he is. 
sure, we work hard to help him learn and develop important skills for living. it's a fine line though, are we helping him be his best or trying to make him "typical"? 

as a mom, i want my child to have an easy life. no suffering, no pain, and to be awesome at every sport. i want him to know jesus. i want him to know i love him. but life isn't about being comfortable, successful or pain free. it's not even about knowing your mom loves you. it's not about being like anyone else. it's about being yourself, exactly how god designed you to be. learning what he has for you. it's about glorifying and worshiping your designer. it's about living for him. sometimes we "typical" folks get so distracted by  goal setting and reaching, that we miss out on the living in between. that's unfortunate and silly.

this is one of the greatest lessons that elijah has taught me. he's taught me how to rejoice in tiny things more than i ever have before. he's taught me how to see little bits of the day, seeing beauty. and even beauty in the hard. he's taught me that it doesn't matter if or when he ever gets out of diapers. he will do it when he needs to.

he's taught me how to praise and worship. 
he's taught me how to serve and give without reservation or expectation.

he's taught me how to pray even more specifically and more often. he's taught me to listen. he's taught me to wonder. marvel at god's goodness and work in our hearts and home. i'm grateful for all of the ground we've been called to cover together in such a brief amount of years. because in the living we've been doing, i've learned more about myself and god than i think i ever would have by living a typical life. and this has surprised me, because i already thought i was living the hard knock, suffering with jesus sort of life. so elijah's taught me that as well, i don't really know much at all.

everything i am depends on him. jesus and his "never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love". 
and i never want to stop wondering at that.


  1. Oh Hannah, you've got it all right. All of it. And I praise Jesus for your heart and your Elijah.

  2. So grateful God has given you eyes to see all of the living going on around you <3

  3. amen. eg is filled with wonderful abilities. brilliant boy.

  4. this is so beautiful Hannah.

  5. hannah, you brilliant, beautiful friend of mine. you've got it just right: there's wondering and there's WONDERING, and just one of those guys draws us into the Father's heart. bless you and your little e.

  6. love this. so true. while i don't have any special needs children, i do find that i am learning more about myself and Jesus through my kids every day. elijah is blessed to have you as his mommy.

  7. i want to do more wondering like that too friend.

  8. Love your heart, Hannah. I work with families with special needs children. I pray these same things for them. <3

  9. Oh, Hannah. You never cease to amaze me. So cliche of me to say that, but it's true.

  10. Keep wondering and keep being amazed by God's work. Love you.

  11. You will be so happy to come back and read this years from now. Beautiful!

  12. You have such a gift. I often times read your words & thoughts you share here and don't even know how to respond but they are the kind of words that stay with me. I leave your little space here encouraged to strive to know my Lord better. So for that I guess the only thing I can say is thank you.

  13. Woke up with a migraine from stressing over my kids. My thoughts are in a better place now, thanks to this beautiful post.

  14. i love this, hannah.
    just beautiful.

  15. This is my favorite post of yours. I resonate with so many of your wonders, having an ASD kiddo myself. Thanks for your authenticity.

  16. Thank you for sharing your journey, Hannah. It is so beautiful. I am amazed by what you all have learned and what you are teaching us. I'm also amazed that Elijah picked up some Spanish (in the previous post). How fun is that?

  17. This is precious and deeply moving. I love your heart, how it beats for Jesus and the depth of your care for EG is truly beautiful. Xo

  18. amen hannah.
    God does not waste anything.
    he USES it all. Elijah's autism. Your heart.
    My heart.

    All for His Glory. :) And our Good.

    love you.

  19. so very sweet and honest. my brother is on the asperger's end of autism and he used to always line up his toys..of of my favorite memories about him :)