elijah's sick, i'm sick. the house is in disarray. like majorly. i'm trying not to let it bother me, since i don't have the energy to do anything about it right now. sadly, i've been letting my frustrations out in ways that are harmful to others. this morning i barked naggy complaints at my husband before he left for work. what a lovely way to send him away from our home on a sunday morning. good grief. i struggle on a good day to be sweet when i'm frustrated. it's really been out of control when i'm tired or sick. i'm weary of it. of being sick, but mostly weary of needing to ask forgiveness a hundred times a day for my ruinous, running mouth. weary of offending my husband with my lack of care or appreciation for his exhaustion and hard work for us. weary of offending my lord jesus.
so today. i'm praying psalm 116.
i love the lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. because he inclined his ear to me, therefore i will call on him as long as i live. the snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of sheol laid hold on me; i suffered distress and anguish. then i called on the name of the lord: “o lord, i pray, deliver my soul!” gracious is the lord, and righteous; our god is merciful. the lord preserves the simple; when i was brought low, he saved me. return, o my soul, to your rest; for the lord has dealt bountifully with you...
for new mercies to cover me and my house. praising the lord for his hearing me when i cry to him, and that he knows my heart, and loves me still.
"Weary of wandering from my God,
And now made willing to return
I hear and bow me to the rod
For thee, not without hope, I mourn:
I have an Advocate above
A Friend before the throne of love.
O Jesus, full of truth and grace
More full of grace than I of sin
Yet once again I seek Thy face:
Open Thine arms and take me in
And freely my backslidings heal
And love the faithless sinner still.
Thou know’st the way to bring me back
My fallen spirit to restore
O for Thy truth and mercy’s sake,
Forgive, and bid me sin no more:
The ruins of my soul repair
And make my heart a house of prayer.
The stone to flesh again convert,
The veil of sin again remove;
Sprinkle Thy blood upon my heart,
And melt it by Thy dying love;
This rebel heart by love subdue,
And make it soft, and make it new.
Give to mine eyes refreshing tears,
And kindle my relentings now;
Fill my whole soul with filial fears,
To Thy sweet yoke my spirit bow;
Bend by Thy grace, O bend or break,
The iron sinew in my neck!
Ah! give me, Lord, the tender heart
That trembles at the approach of sin;
A godly fear of sin impart,
Implant, and root it deep within,
That I may dread Thy gracious power,
And never dare to offend Thee more."
weary of wandering from my god // charles wesley, 1749