do you ever ask god why me? why did you choose to put me here?
there are many days that i am completely overwhelmed with my life.
some things are overwhelming because they are hard.
other times, i struggle for breath and sentences as the tears flow, just because this is all too good.
a bunch of us girlfriends decided to draw names this year for gift giving. it was a secret who had who.
my gift arrived a few days ago. this handmade wreath, in all its cheerful, colorful glory.
it's even more delightful because my darling friend made it with her sweet hands. for me.
my house is a hot mess, decorating wise. so it wasn't rocket science finding a place for it.
any place will do when you're a hot mess.
when i placed it on the wall i'd see most,
i realized that it was also the place for another gift i'd been given. a print by another precious friend,
with one of the most meaningful scriptures in my life on a sweet watercolor background.
i memorized this verse as a child. i remember being impressed, thinking about a huge god.
so huge that the clouds were the dust of his feet. many years down the road, less impressed with god,
and caring nothing for his word or his huge-ness, it came to mind.
the lord is slow to anger and great in power,
and the lord will by no means clear the guilty.
his way is in whirlwind and storm,
and the clouds are the dust of his feet.
this righteous, patient creator found me with these words. not so gently reminding me of my place.
he has his way. and there was no way for me to survive, separated from him.
i had been awakened by the holy spirit several days before,
but quickly sank back into my disgusting, destructive ways that would make me forget him.
only they didn't.
i learned that once the lord draws you, he's got you.
you can't make him hate you. you can't run away.
i thought i was unforgivable.
i thought i was too messed up.
i thought i was unable to follow him.
how could i really give up control?
that was me thinking on my own terms. in my own tiny rules.
god can forgive anyone of anything. and he helps us forgive ourselves.
i am too messed up to come on my own, he is the cleaner-upper. he makes me right.
i am not able to follow him, i don't even want to, but he puts that in my heart.
he changes me.
he is big enough.
so here i am.
far removed from dirty, dangerous houses shared with people i barely know.
my nights are peaceful and safe now. i am clean, and have true friendships. and a forgiving family.
i have a new life, gifted to me by jesus and equipped with exactly what i need for each day.
i never dreamed of this.
i'm hanging felt flower wreaths and scripture prints in my apartment.
an apartment i share with a godly man who cares for me.
and we're blessed to parent the most wonderful little boy together.
i am in awe as i praise the lover of my soul for putting me here.
god is huge.
and god is good.
this is my testimony.