Tuesday, August 14, 2012

a fool delivered


this weekend was crazy. energy was high and with drizzling rain, there was nowhere to go.
even more crazy than the atmosphere at home, my heart was all out of sorts. i felt crazier than crazy.
you know that skin crawling, teeth grinding, muscle tensing awful sort.
and on top of my real life, i have been having horrible, disturbing dreams. nightmares.
this just won't do.

sunday was the worst.
sundays usually are. it's terrible, but it seems to happen again and again.

every week i am reminded that we can't make it to church.
and instead of giving my impatience, sadness and even anger straight to jesus, 
i often keep it for myself to work out first. 

anyway, sunday morning, i read something in a great little book of mine that i picked up years ago:


this made me see that i was trusting in my own heart.
and you know what that makes me?

whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
{proverbs 28:26}

patrick had the day off, so i was able to take a breather for a bit.
i was only getting a couple grocery items, but took nearly two hours to get them.

i was thinking about how i seem to need these lessons all the ding dang time.
the same lessons. for one,  god's in charge, i'm not.
well, that's the main one, i guess.
and his grace is sufficient for me. i need to cling to him!

my emotions were a raging mix of anger, discouragement, fear and helplessness.
i sat in the car, reeling a bit, wondering how the heck 
i was supposed to remain composed  gathering a few groceries in target, on a weekend. 
i made it inside, and i may have been cursing under my breath.
way too many people were in my store and in my way.

as i tied up the plastic bags, to keep things dry from the rain, i started to feel hot tears fill my eyes.

once i was in the car, i still tried to fight off the tears, i mean, an ugly cry was coming, 
and i was parked near the store, people everywhere, you know?

i decided to call patrick and see how things were going. only i saw i had a tweet mention.
have i mentioned that i adore twitter?
i checked it, and the rains came. my tears flowed freely. 

a friend tweeted me the most encouraging thing i could have read at that moment.
her words broke me, softened my stiff neck and relaxed my jaw. 
those words allowed me to release my tears and cry out to the lord. 
for forgiveness and great thanks for my thoughtful friend.

i ugly cried like no one was watching right there in the target parking lot.
i sent my friend a text to thank her for her sweetness toward me. she's such a gift to my heart!
and i prayed.

i thanked him for the respite care we now have in place.
several amazing caregivers for our sweet elijah.
this might eventually allow us an opportunity to join in corporate worship again soon!

the lord soothed my heart, and he called to mind an old song that i never tire of.

i keep an old rebecca st. james cd in the car that i just love listening to sometimes.
this was one of those times. i loaded it into the player, collected myself, and drove home the long way.


her version of the rich mullins 'hold me jesus' song came on. 
i sang it out as a prayer to god at the top of my voice:

>>> <<<

"Well, sometimes my life 
Just don't make sense at all 
When the mountains look so big 
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf 
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark 
It's so hot inside my soul 
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
Surrender don't come natural to me 
I'd rather fight You for something 
I don't really want 
Than to take what You give that I need 
And I've beat my head against so many walls 
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band 
Is playing this hymn 
And Your grace rings out so deep 
It makes my resistance seem so thin
You have been King of my glory 
Won't You be my Prince of Peace"

>>> <<<

it was exactly my heart on that rainy afternoon.
"and your grace rings out so deep, it makes my resistance seem so thin"
so grateful for this truth, friends.
and i want you to know this too.
you may be taking repeat classes in the ways of christ.
and that's a good thing. my dad always says "repetition aids learning".
it sure as heck does. and we all want to learn.
we all want to grow, right?

the lord listened to my foolish grumbling and broke me free from myself.
he delivered me. again. 
and he's holding me up today.
he is so faithful.
praise him.

14 comments:

  1. "You have been King of my glory. Won't you be my Prince of Peace." One of my favorite songs through college. I learned so much through the wisdom of Rich Mullins. :) Praying 1 Peter 5:10 for you, friend. Love you!

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  2. Hi there! I have 'ugly cried' in my car quite a bit myself...God listens:)
    I'm your newest follower from Operation Fabulous!
    Barbara @ Chase the Star
    http://chase-thestar.blogspot.com

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  3. New follower...Operation Fabulous sent me.

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  4. LOVE that song!

    Thank the Lord for friends who connact at the perfect minute. God sends. Literally!

    HUGS!

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  5. i have been praying for your churchiness. :) i was gonna ask if respite my play into it. :) Hoping it does. Praying it does.
    He is faithful. :)

    LOVE you friend.

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  6. Prayed for you on Sunday morning when I couldn't go to church. You inspire me. And I love you so much.

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  7. Sweet Hannah. I have been here twice to read this. We are in the middle of hard over here. I wish I were able to share it like you have here. The car is a great place to ugly cry. Also, the bathtub works well too.

    xxoo

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  8. Hi Hannah, I'm so sorry you've been struggling. This song is so beautiful - so glad you are able to find solace in it.

    I'm visiting from Naptime Review's Operation Fabulous and I'm now following you via GFC. Be sure to check out our Summer Reading Weekly Book Giveaway if you get the chance! Cheers!

    Renee @ Mother Daughter Book Reviews
    htt://motherdaughterbookreviews.com

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  9. oh my word. i love this song. i would get so tired of teaching me all the same lessons over and over again if i was God. thank God i am not! know you are not alone in these lessons. i love you girl. your heart is refreshing and challenging to me.

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  10. I don't know you personally, but I just purchased a pair of earrings from your shop a week or so ago. I'm honestly not even sure how I came across your blog but I have been so deeply blessed by you. Your testimony and honest heart bring God glory, I know it. Thank you for you raw emotions. I wish I could reach through this computer and just hug your neck. I needed to read your words about learning and relearning over and over again. I tend to beat myself up when I fail in the same areas over and over. I pray that God pours many blessings on you! Thank you

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  11. I identify so much, and I don't even have the same struggles you have. Well, an Aspie husband, but you know? Really not much to complain about. I really really sincerely pray you can get back to church... the community means so much. It's so good God knows when we need a friend. From the beginning of time, we've never been meant to do life alone.

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  12. You and your transparent heart. I'm thankful for both.
    I'm glad there may be a solution in sight with the respite care option. I'm sure you would love to be able to go to church as a family and I'm praying the Lord provides that for you. He knows the desires of your heart and only will give you what's best for you...even when it comes disguised as the hard, ugly-cry worthy stuff. He loves you the most!

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  13. I pray for you often sweet friend, but especially on Sundays. God will provide. He if faithful.

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