Monday, March 12, 2012

matthew 11:28


i sneaked this photo quickly last month, during one of elijah's first days of occupational therapy.
most days his little face beams with delight as he pushes this little trike with his hands. when he makes it around the corner, there's a fish tank. he loves watching the fish. likely scheming about how best to remove them all and set them free. or eat them. i'm never exactly sure what elijah is thinking, you know.

elijah is always excited to go to therapy. and most times, excited to participate with his sweetest-of-all-time occupational and speech therapy techs. most times. last week we experienced our first fit during therapy.
i was sitting in one of the chairs in that photo. i returned a voicemail and was thinking about which blog to read...until i saw elijah. his therapist was carrying him toward me, and he was screaming
and wildly trying to break away from her. good grief. so, i took him from her and wrangled him into the elevator, struggled with him to the parking lot...he slipped away from me and took off running.
thankfully only around the car this time. about three times before i caught him. i snatched him up, buckled him into his car seat, shut the door and welcomed the tears. it was such a relief to have him finally strapped in the car. safe. we sat in the car for a bit. elijah howled, growled and kicked. i rested. and cried. a lot.

times like that? stressful to the max. i have zero control over my sweet boy.
he won't look at me, he won't listen to me. it's like i am not even there. he has no fear, no concept of danger. and sometimes, i barely keep up. this is exhausting.
i struggle with what others think of me as they witness these berserk adventures.
because? i have caught myself, more than once, judging others in similar situations.
this is really hard for me.
but this is also good. because i am learning.

i'm learning new things about compassion, patience and understanding.
i'm learning to lean harder on jesus, depend on his strength alone.
learning that rest is possible. when i trust him, in the midst of the crazy.
he will lift the weight of my burden, he will provide relief.
and i am praising him for that truth today.

28 comments:

  1. I agree with you 100%. Having my own child on the spectrum has made me a much more compassionate person and eager to want to help others in need. Persevere during those rough times and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. For me, just having a "sounding board" (in my hubby, mom, girlfriend, whoever's closest!) has been so helpful. People DO want to lend a hand...or an ear. And Elijah WILL make progress. It's a rough road, but so worth it to persevere over the many bumps along the way.

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    1. yes, yes. thanks SO much for your encouragement, charla!

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  2. I've been there. I hate when I worry about what others think, but it does happen. I am still praying for progress and peace for you guys. Love you. Keep running the race, girl.

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  3. he WILL give you rest.
    if we were closer i'd pick ya up for a coffee date and just hug the heck out you. your a great mom hannah.
    i love you.

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  4. SO proud of you. YAY for sweet Jesus carrying you right on through the HARD part of this. You love that sweet boy right along the road of progress. You know that none of this was a surprise to God, because Elijah is fearfully and wonderfully made! And that means He doesn't fit in the world's mold. But guess what?

    We are not meant to fit into the world's mold.... not one of us! Praise the Lord for being different!

    praying for you everyday!

    xxoo

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    1. so grateful for your prayers, joy! god is so good!

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  5. oh sweetie. i'm crying with you. this is so hard. i have no words other than to say that i'm super thankful the Lord will give you rest and lift the burdens just as He promises. i know you're clinging to that. keep clinging to it. and cry whenever. He will wipe your every tear. love and hugs and prayers.

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    1. he does wipe the tears, carissa. so grateful for his promises and faithfulness. love you! xo

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  6. Who cares what other people think... they don't get it. It's easy to be judgmental and rude when you don't know what's going on. Know that you are doing your best... that God is giving you tools to help your sweet little boy. That He is strengthening you and drying your tears. Hugs to you, friend. I pray for rest for you tonight and in this week.

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    1. linda, yes. most times i don't care at all, but those other times, i get totally aware and feel awful. the lord is good, he forgives and remains steady, even when i take my eyes off of him. pressing on!

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  7. oh friend. what a tough spot to be in. you are blessed with such wisdom from the lord. find comfort in him.

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  8. Hannah you are so positive and encouraging. I can't imagine how difficult some days must be for you. You truly are an amazing mother and woman in Christ. I'm praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

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    1. praise jesus, ALL him. thanks for your prayers, adrian! LOVE you.

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  9. I think of you often. I pray for you. I love you.

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    1. thank you, dear one. so thankful for you, alison! xo

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  10. i so feel for you hannah in this struggle, my best friend feels the same way with her 11 year old. I could not imagine. i'm glad you are sharing though, that has got to help! my best friend prefers to be private...but i think sometimes it might benefit her more to talk about it, but we all deal differently.
    you are so humble for admitting you've judged those moms before, and that's so beautiful... Oh God can bring so much out of suffering!!! XO

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    1. amen, gina! such sweet fellowship with christ in these tough times. and yeah, i actually thought i was not a judgemental person. laughable!

      love you

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  11. I have found that God has used my toughest challenges to give me the ability to grant grace to the very same people I once judged.
    When I find myself to be in thier shoes, then I realize that we are not different at all and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn that.
    Even if the learning is so very, very hard.
    Have you ever read "To Kill a Mockingbird"?
    Atticus Finch was so very right about walking around in someone elses' shoes.
    Glad you can lean on God in these very, very hard times.
    Love from,
    Greta

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    1. love this, greta! thank you. and i adore that book, read it often. atticus reminds me of my dad:)

      love you!

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  12. Praying for peace. you're learning and reminding me of what I need to keep learning.

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