Tuesday, December 06, 2011

i need you to know {a rambling post}

i'm sitting here, in my cozy little living room. the twinkle of the tree and a few lights strung across a wall are my light to write by. it's freezing, minus one actually, outside and i am thankful for thick sweatpants and candy cane tea. listening to christmas music on shuffle just now, may be the best idea i've had all day.
christmas music makes me happy. i need the extra jolly tonight.
i've been crying a lot lately. some have been happy tears, the christmas music makes me cry, too.
most tears though, they've been sorrowful, tears of longing and discouragement.
great burdens for others. i like to fix things, you know.
and i just can't! i can only pray in most of these cases.
i'm also dealing with my own hurts.
does this surprise you? i have a suspicion that it might.
this is happy days after all. not "cry baby days" or "depressed days".

here's something i need you to know.

sometimes, i cry because i cannot have something i want.
i even cry because i wish i didn't want it so badly.
i cry because people misunderstand or ignore me.
this current thing, this aching sore in my heart, it shows up now and then.
i want a baby.
like, to birth a baby.
well, you know what? i can't.

the lord has lifted me up in the midst of this grief, praise jesus for his peace and strength!
but. when these feelings, this desire creeps in, the ache doesn't stay long, but it aches so deeply.
the last couple of weeks have been difficult for me.
it's been so long since i felt this way for so long, you know? caught me off guard really.
so, if you're still reading, let me tell you how i am emerging from this struggle tonight:

this prayer in the bible. it's one of my favorite passages.
the lord always brings this to my heart,
i often don't have words of my own to utter.

though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the lord;
i will take joy in the god of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places
{habakkuk 3:17-19}

yet i will. no matter my pain, my have nots, my crushed dreams.
r e j o i c e
in the lord!
my joy is in him.
i have him. he takes my pain. he restores my soul and gives me new dreams.
wanting a baby isn't wrong. wanting it more than closeness to jesus is though.
you know, i was there once. shoot, i've caught myself teetering on the fence of discontent more than a few times. praise jesus i am whisked back into the safety of his plan.
why is it that i so often try to help him out?
because i believe god is who he says he is in scripture.
because i believe this prayer of habakkuk, he makes me strong and gives me joy, no matter what.
just him. just jesus. he is to be enough. i will forever be learning this, striving for this.

i read this the other day:
the angel of the lord encamps
   around those who fear him, and delivers them.
 oh, taste and see that the lord is good!
    blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
oh, fear the lord, you his saints,
   for those who fear him have no lack.
{psalm 34:7-9}

the angel of the lord encamps around me and he delivers me.
picture that for a moment. wow.
taste and see that he is good. he is enough. take refuge in him, his plan. fear him and have no lack.
i am telling you now. these words are true. i am scratching the surface of what this feels like.
to have no lack.
because there is no other explanation for the healing that washes clean over my heart.
every time any sadness comes, jesus brings the joy, he floods my soul with it!
i have no lack. he is enough.
lord, help me to trust you fully. daily. every minute!

thanks for listening. i'm glad i wrote/rambled about this.

now, how about a few tips for you:

if you are pregnant
please don't hide it from me because you think it will hurt my feelings.
it will hurt my feelings if you hide, ok?
i want to know. i want to rejoice and be excited with you!
ultimately, it's up to me how i respond to such things,
but possibly refrain from mentioning how irritated you are that you are having another baby.
i am always baffled by that being cause for discouragement.

if you are a friend planning a baby shower
do not not invite me for fear of making me sad or uncomfortable.
every time this has happened, i found out after the fact that it was to keep me from being "hurt".
again, that is what hurts.
always always ask your friends who cannot have or do not have children to baby showers.
even when we are in a depressed moment, we want to celebrate those mamas to be. trust me.

{and a huge thank you to my friends-bloggers and real life-who are always
so thoughtful and sweet to me in this! praise jesus for you!
you've truly helped me heal and become less selfish. god is good.}

if you are like me, you cannot have children and you are desperately seeking motherhood.
take heart. he knows your desire. waiting is the most difficult thing about it sometimes.
you are not alone! i will pray with you. i will cry with you. and we can rejoice in him together.

seriously, feel free to email me if you have questions
on how to be a good friend to someone like me 
or if you are like me in this way! i certainly don't know everything,
but i can share from my experience and pray with you.
we should be supporting and encouraging each other.
pointing one another to jesus!
whether we are awaiting a baby, a husband, a job a house...
be considerate. be helpful. be a friend.

{to further lighten the mood, check back later! i'll be sharing a photo that amuses me greatly.
it involves plenty of plaid. and bangs.}


  1. Thanks for sharing your heart on this. While I don't share your experience, I feel like your tips can very well apply to those of us who have experienced child loss. People often walk on eggshells around us for fear they will hurt us. It is up to us how to respond but being ignored out of fear is what hurts. Praying with you friend!

  2. Sweet Hannah,
    Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
    I know what it is to long for something and know it will never be.
    Different than your longing, but a longing just the same.
    It is hard.
    And it hurts.
    But you are so right, God is in it.
    I have known God better through this hurt than in sny other thing.
    It doesn't make me glad for the hyrt, but it makes me glad for the God who is here with me in the hurt.
    I love you dear friend.
    I am saying a prayer for your heart right now.
    Love from,

  3. Tears. Thanks for being so real - I love you so much Hanny.

  4. Hannah, thank you for opening my eyes to this and for all of the helpful advice. I relate it almost like when someone dear to you dies and everyone acts weirded out around you. Not sure what to say or how to broach it... but I would much rather talk about it than not. To just say the persons name than to not ever talk about them....I love you and know too, that it is always He who gets us through. Sorrow may come but joy is sure to follow...if I were by you I would give you a hug. whether you wanted it or not, I would totally invade your space..;)

  5. I can't get enough of your authenticity and the way you point to Jesus in every situation. I cry a lot, too, for various reasons. Ps 56:8,9 says he keeps a record of our tears and that God is for us! (NKJV and my rough paraphrase.) I will be praying extra for you today!

    I would like to say it would be fun to live closer, but we are having a low of 49 today and I'm freezing, so unless closer means closer to me...negative 1?? BBRRRR!!!

    Stay warm in body and spirit, sweet sister!

  6. I am SO glad you posted about this Hannah! You know how much it will help all of us for different reasons. The last line will stick with me; I need not ignore, I need to be a friend. I am drinking my coffee this morning and picturing you sipping your coffee at the same time-- black, no creamer, no sugar, no syrup.

    And you've inspired me to write about things that maybe I've been fearful to write about. Love you Friend!

  7. Sweet Hannah. I just love how your trials always glorify God. Praying for your hurts.

  8. Sister, I LOVE YOU. I don't understand all that is, but I do know God is great!

    I am also baffled when people post on facebook how annoying pregnancy is or how they can't believe how fat they are getting or how bad the heartburn is. those status updates are so hard to read when you desperately want to be pregnant, but aren't.

    I love you, and you will never know what a comfort you were to me (and still are), when we lost the first baby. How could you have known how to comfort if you didn't know the pain yourself? Wow, I couldn't have made it without you.

    love you big sissay!

  9. oh sweet friend. can i just tell you how encouraged i am by you. the scripture you always post and the words you say never fail to touch my heart. you are a blessing to me and i'm thankful to be able to call you friend. i'm praying for you. love you so much!

  10. So well said friend!!!! p.s. you first paragraph about sweatpants, Christmas music, and peppermint tea...sounds heavenly!

  11. Hannah, we don't know why things are the way they are. Why we have to endure the pains we have to endure. Maybe God had other plans for you. I know that is not the easiest thing to accept, and I completely understand how you would be sad and heartbroken. I cannot even imagine. I would be distraught. For that, my heart aches for you and my thoughts are consumed with prayers for you. I think maybe God chose a different path for you. Had you been able to have your own, would you still have Elijah? Think about the amazing life that he now has due to you! That's right...YOU gave him life, love, and a future. It's amazing. :) He needed you. God provided.

  12. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your life here. I am so encouraged to see you rejoice despite this trial. Lifting you up in prayer!

  13. thanks for sharing your heart and always being so real with us. I am just amazed at the way God has gifted you to pour out your heart, esp on such important things like this. and thanks for sharing that scripture - it really really spoke to me...actually for my husband...I am going to share it with him, so please know that not only did you bless me today but God will also use you to bless my family through your sharing His Word.

    I don't have words of complete understanding for you, but I do know what its like to have the tears and the longing for things God has not provided. But in the midst of it, He always reminds me of how GOOD He is. He IS good. period.

    thanks for sharing girl...love to you today!

  14. hugs to you, sweet Hannah! God bless you! May He be a soothing balm to your hurting heart.

  15. Thank you for sharing your heart! I can relate in only the smallest of ways, but I do appreciate your words and honesty. Saying a prayer for you. :)

  16. What a beautiful blog and what a beautiful post. I remember that pain. I have a 5-year-old now and feel very blessed, but it took us six years and many heartbreaks to become parents. You are in my prayers, my new friend. I wish every good thing for you. xo

  17. The beauty of you faith shines so bright here. My heart aches for you pain. We are blessed to be reminded of where to take our sorrow. Thank you Hannah.

  18. i want to hug you like big bear hug you, and i will have you know i am not one for affection unless you are my child.
    you spoke my heart right here in this post.
    you know i love you.
    the lord is enough, but we are human and our human-ness creeps in it's natural. so thankful the he who is bigger than everything pulls us back and holds us up.
    I love you!!!

  19. so much love for you dear friend.

  20. Hannah, some will say this but not really be able to, but I can relate to you 100%. I am not able to have children either. There have been times when the longing has been almost unbearable; especially when my siblings had their babies. I love their children like my own, but they aren't mine. My husband and I were talking about this the other day for the thousandth time. I said, "I just want one that is ours. I want a boy to carry on the family name (he's the end of the line), and I want him to have your height and eyes and my hair." He looked at me and just said, "Babe, it's okay for us to not have babies." He's sweet to say that, but sometimes I wonder if there are moments when he has the same longing.

    Thank you for sharing what is on your heart, Hannah. You're not alone and I send you love and hugs from GA, where it is in the 50s right now. ;)

  21. I wish I could come give you a big hug and cry with you, Hannah. I'm actually the opposite of you, but I'm hurting, too. I have my 2 bio boys, but I want to adopt. I can't because of my health... essentially my body won't cooperate and get well.

    It's hard... I have to distance myself from thinking about it. I'm trusting that God has a plan or as you said... "he restores my soul and gives me new dreams." I'm trying to rest in His sovereignty. He knows our pain, friend. He cries with us.

    Praying for you...

  22. Thank you for sharing. Your post, from your heart, was so beautiful to read.

    I have one baby, my boy (already 2!) and I did carry him in my womb and birth him, but he will be the only baby I can ever have. I did get to experience that joy, but the delivery was so complicated I was left with a "broken" uterus. On some small plane I do know your longing and heartache for carrying a/nother child.

    Prayers & hugs.

  23. oh hannah. i read this 3 days ago and was left without words.
    my heart breaks for your broken heart, and rejoices for the Lord's work in giving you Joy.

    i hope other women are encouraged by this too and seek out Christ as their true comforter.

    love you friend. big time.

  24. Thank you for always sharing your heart in total honesty, Hannah. I appreciate the advice to those of us who have never walked in your shoes, and may not know how to handle delicate situations.

    One thing's for sure - God has BIG plans for you. It's obvious. You have such a beautiful heart.

  25. Oh Hannah. I love you so. I've been struggling with this very thing for a while but especially for the last few weeks. I understand your tears and I am so incredibly grateful that you're willing to share. I will continue to pray for you and your heart's desire.

  26. just wanted you to know i just re-read this. :) such an encouragement to me. i do want a baby, but i do want closeness with jesus more. however hard it is to say that. i just wonder, would he really give me this deep desire and then never fulfill it, just to prove a point? just one of the thoughts (fears?) rattling around in my brain lately...