Thursday, June 23, 2011

face time

on my face time.
crying out to jesus to rescue me.
from myself.
i have been the most wicked parent the last couple of days.
i could write all about the rainy weather, the terrible twos, interrupted sleep, and the list could indeed go on.
i won't really go there though. because none of that matters.
what matters is how i respond to the day at hand. i have not been responding properly. grouchy and annoyed has been the theme. what an awful thing! i have been yelling and crying in frustration rather than pushing forward, forsaking anger and irritability, and really loving my child.
sure, he is a little tornado rex through our home. he's fighting me at meals. throwing books that i am trying to read to him. climbing pantry shelves. getting into the trash. trying to sweep the tv screen with his toy broom. he is simply non stop action and disaster all day when we are stuck indoors.
but why have i been responding with non stop nasty?
i am terrified of hurting him
with my selfishness and frustration.
i need help. although i am weary of this season,
i want to enjoy these moments with my darling boy.
even the most difficult ones.

as i confessed to the lord this morning, i thanked him for his relentless grace and compassion towards me. for his forgiveness when i fail at this adventure of parenthood. he placed me here, in the motherhood. he will humble me so i will exalt him. he will strengthen me so i can fight frustration, fear and ugliness. what a mighty god!

children learn everything about life from their parents. this scares me. what is my little one learning from me?
lord, let me please you in my mothering of this little disciple. help me fight my flesh. draw me closer to yourself. may i be a light in his little life that shines for you to. help me lord.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall,
he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand."
psalm 37:23-24esv

"Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly."
proverbs 14:29esv

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains,
that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak."
ephesians 6:10-20esv

16 comments:

  1. Oh Hannah, I feel ya! It is so scary and so frustrating at times. I beat myself up when I overreact, too. Thank you for the Scripture. Lovely post.

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  2. hannah hannah hannah.

    this hits home with me today. i am not a mommy yet but this week i have been keeping the girls i nanny for overnight while their parents are on vacation. i have not been acting as i should and my tone and attitude is not what it should be..thank you for this post..this reminder to call upon our Heavenly Father..to give it to Him. the verses about the armor of God hit home to a conversation adam and i were having last night. we need more Jesus in our lives to help us through the days, to help us fight off the evil being thrown in our way and distracting us from the truth and hindering our faith. thank you for those verses, it has been too long since i have read them. thank you hannah.

    thank you.

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  3. We all have all been there! no one is the perfect parent. what matters most is that we acknowledge where we fall short, repent, and then ask the Lord to help us in those areas. Being quick to listen to his correction..you have that heart to recieve, to learn to grow as a mother, that is what God is looking for and what pleases Him! Your little boys know you love him, that is what is most important. We all fall short, through God's grace, we get back up and keep going! :)

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  4. I hadn't read this yet when I sent you the e-mail... funny that I had been thinking about you so much when this has been going on.

    You WILL make it through this. And he will be just fine. I promise. None of us are perfect parents, and none of our children are perfect either. That's why we butt heads, have conflict, argue, pull our hair out, and sometimes even yell.

    If my children could share with you some of the things we have been through together you would feel MUCH better. :o) I'm not proud of all of my mothering moments. But I feel like the really good moments heavily out number the bad.

    Keep breathing. This too shall pass.

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  5. thank you. you aren't alone. i haven't reacted well lately. really have reacted well lately. it scares me too! i think that is why i then act up all over again, because i am scared my acting up has harmed them, made them not like me...and on and on. i even go through the thought process of "do i remember when i was 1, 3, 5 years old? will they remember how i am acting. praying for us all - mothers. oh, and i am grabbing your button. having free sponsorship right now and your button appears the exact size! :)

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  6. sending up a prayer for you, knowing how trying these kinda days can be! you are SOOOO on track crying out to God--a thousand steps ahead of so many who try to do it in their own strength. lots of love <3

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  7. I feel like that at some point every day. I think there is nothing like being a parent to show you your own selfishness and need for God. He is faithful to give you what you need for the task at hand. Truly He is.
    "For my strength is made perfect in weakness."
    I will pray you can be weak in yourself and strong in Him.
    Love from,
    Greta

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  8. if it makes you feel better, i yelled so loud at kayla a few weeks ago that i PEED. MY. PANTS. literally. peed. then i laughed. i had to. laugh. with him. even after you yell. it helps. then pray. ALOT. that helps, too. but you know that. i'll be praying, too. and peeing.

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  9. Bless You!
    I have a action packed life lovin' girlie...also named Hannah.
    I understand, I really do!!!
    I found you through FPFG.

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  10. This sounds like my everyday life, Hannah. Parenting is hard. The good thing to remember is that we are renewed daily and that God loves no less on our "bad" days than on our "good" mommy days.

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  11. Praying for you tonight, Hannah...

    I struggled too as a young, first-time mama...and I blew it far too many times. Just keep leaning into Jesus...keep giving it to Him...His grace is sufficient! Honest! I am amazed at who my children have becaome, in spite of me!

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  12. i just read a similar blog: http://thisheavenlylife.blogspot.com/2010/09/bigger-picture-moment-like-river.html
    I don't have kiddos yet, but I know I will have those days, and I love how honest you mommas are and that you give it to the Lord. God is the one who can help us and mold us into who He made us to be! Keep on being the great mother that you are in Christ.

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  13. I'm telling you now that i totally, TOTALLY get this. My son is at a stage where he is completely defiant, strong willed, somewhat aggressive, extremely argumentative, and well basically, he is just a punk sometimes. I get so frustrated counting to 3, trying time outs, stern words, and the occasional pop on the hand (when he hits me!) that I get overwhelmed by my own emotions and just want to yell a him, like a lot. We are also stuck indoors in the evenings bc it is literally 100+ degrees here. ALL.THE.TIME. All I can say is that I sympathize and I will pray for you and for me. :)

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  14. Oh, have I ever been there. Over and over. Thank you for sharing, Hannah. Just like God's grace covers disobedient Littles, it covers worn-thin Mamas. Wrap that grace around you now. Wear it like a shawl.

    xo

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  15. I love that you called him "this little disciple" - that is a good reminder to me that my MAIN job is to disciple my kids - when I think of it that way, it's just a better, more inspiring perspective. Gracias, prima.

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  16. love this blog post...thanks for helping me know i am not alone in these struggles (and that i am not the only one who has these struggles)...looking forward to meeting you at blog sugar...wooohooo! *laura*

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