Tuesday, May 03, 2011

in his time {a rambling post}

i've posted this previously, but was thinking of it again today, so here it is again:

"God comforted Rachel concerning her children that Herod murdered because of the birth of Christ.
He bids her not to cry with the promise that her children would come again from the land of the enemy, from death.
And I think this should be mentioned, not only for her and their sakes, but to
comfort all those that either have had, or yet may have, their children suffer….
None of these things happen without the determinate counsel of God.
He has ordained the sufferings of little children as well as that of persons more in years.
And it is easy to think that God can as well foresee which of his elect shall suffer…
in their infancy, as which of them shall then die a natural death.
He has saints small in age as well as in esteem.
And although I desire not to see these days again,
yet it will please me to see those little ones…standing in their white robes
with the elders of their people, before the throne, singing unto the Lamb.”

four years ago, patrick and i drove into philadelphia to see mindy smith in concert.
only a few days before, i had taken a positive pregnancy test.
i was nervous though, the first one was such a disappointment.
the concert was beautiful, mindy's voice was pure love to me.
her soothing tone and soul-stirring lyrics were my favorite.
during the concert, things began to happen that made it clear: this pregnancy was going to end very soon.
i'm so thankful that my sister and two close friends were with us.
through my tears, listening to the magical music made it easier to bear what i knew our future held.
we made it home late. we slept. we woke early, called the doctor, they rushed us in for an appointment.
i couldn't believe it was happening again. how could this be? it was a difficult time for us.
god's grace was sufficient, four years later, we are thankful for the trials and pain of two ectopic pregnancies. the death of our dream for many children. last year, i had a hysterectomy.
even though i knew i would never have children, this was like grieving all over again. this was it.
none of this was my idea. i never planned any of this, was surprised and saddened by it all.
what comforted me? god knew. this was his idea. his plan. in his time,
even these hurts have turned into hallelujahs. he has beautifully used these
(and many others for that matter) painful moments to draw me closer to himself.

today i am not depressed. i do wonder what my children would've been like...
it is likely though that we never would've adopted elijah. i cannot imagine my life without him.
god has indeed made everything beautiful, in his time.

my sister once asked me "isn't it hard for you to listen to mindy smith's music?"
the answer is no. while it does take me back to that fearful may evening, it also swells my heart with joy.
her music has been a key to many summers, lots of dates with my man and even our wedding reception.
it reminds me of god's hand in my life, the joys and the heartaches. i love it!

you may recognize this beautiful song from the notebook movie.
tangent: i avoided that movie for years, dismissing it as dumb.
then my ultra persuasive sister made me watch it with her. i really liked it:)
anyway, this video isn't so fab, but the song is a favorite!
if you don't know her, check out mindy smith, her music will move you for sure!

Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see
many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.
{PSALM 71:19-21esv}


  1. God truly is doing a work in your heart and lives. Keep sharing what he has and is doing. <3 <3 <3

  2. You are right, it was God's plan..His plan to bring you to find Elijah and for Elijah to find you and your husband. You are a family and Elijah is so blessed to have parents who cling to God's word and find comfort in Him and His plans. Again, thank you for sharing your story. I am new to your blog and am so happy to learn more about you. My heart is with your precious family.

  3. thank you, katie! so thrilled to "meet" you! xo

  4. I had a miscarriage in between my girls and another one earlier this year. And i often contemplate us not having Ashlyn had God chosen to keep that little one for us to meet this side of glory. The first time I heard John Piper speak, he said "When God is doing one thing, He is doing a million things." And I love that. SO true. Adoption is such a beautiful thing. and i think, more than anything, is a perfect example of what God did for us. Reached down and chose us for His own.

  5. Hannah, I love to hear your heart! It's so beautiful!

  6. Hannah, I love how you share so openly and bring healing to those who are hurting as they go through similar things. I had two miscarriages and it was always such a blessing to talk to other moms who had suffered some kind of loss during pregnancy. You Elijah is such a gift and what a testimony of God's goodness.

  7. i am so very blessed by y'all! so thankful for my sweet, encouraging readers!! xo

  8. Oh Hannah! Here I am crying again this morning.

    MINUTES ago, I JUST put down a little Fox story of adoption (When God Found Us You... i think?) I couldn't even get through it. it's the first time I couldn't finish a childrens' book in my life. Not so sure why, other than the deep ache i was feeling for Mamas who have to endure the pain of saying good-bye to their dreams of biological babies... and then the inexplicable joy of having their REAL children bless their lives when God brings them together through adoption.

    My husband and I were/are unable to have children. And right in the middle of our struggles (five years in/no medical assistance) we were given the blessing we were promised through prophesy and God's message to us... our only child, my only pregnancy ever, a son, Ezekiel.
    He is almost six now, and everyday I look at him in amazement. Everyday I think of the women who don't have any children, who long and ache like I once did. I am GRATEFUL beyond measure for every breath Ezekiel takes, and all the breaths of mine he takes away. :)

    I'm so happy that you have that too, with Elijah.

    Blessings to you, friend.
    In Him,

  9. my heart so goes out to you....
    (and yes, I'm a huge mindy smith fan)

  10. I love your honesty in this post. It truly is amazing how everything works out according to God's plan even when we can't see it. You and your husband were put on this earth to be the parents of your sweet boy. God is amazing!

  11. reading your story.

    i'm sorry for your loss, for your ache. i rejoice with you that God knows why. He knows the answer and the glory to come from it.

    mindy smith. i love her. didn't know any other fans. her vocals are intimate. her story is beautiful and grace filled.