hello dear ones.
on january 24 patrick and i kept our appt for a sonogram. this ultrasound revealed a heart beat. the crushing news was that our baby was in my tube. "where it didn't belong". or did it? many thoughts swam in my head as we left that office and were scurried through town to two more offices, more dr.s and eventually landed at prmc in a prep room. i was having major surgery. ending my already doomed pregnancy. i was devastated. patrick was calm and soothing. he was broken as well. i am so thankful for him. we wondered aloud if this was really happening. it was.
i questioned my creator. "why did we hear a heart beat if it would never survive?" i was overflowing with sorrow and even fear as they painfully hooked up my i.v. and explained what was about to take place. i don't remember anything they said really. the nurses and dr.s were the kindest i'd ever had for a surgery(i've had a few--ALL terrible experiences) i thanked the lord for this. this was so far, a "not scary" surgery. as i thanked HIM. i realized that i needed to thank him for even this surgery. the reason for it and everything. he knew before i was born that that day would come. he knew when my baby was conceived that it would attach itself in my tube. where i thought it didn't belong. the thing is, i made a decision in that prep room to trust the lord in this. he planned it. i am safe in his plan. my hurt can be mended by him. he is the healer. my baby belonged exactly where it was. god designed it this way. do i understand why? does patrick? does it make sense? we do not understand. it doesn't make sense apart from knowing jesus. what does make sense and what we do understand, now a bit more than before,
Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you; he will never permit
the righteous to be moved. psalm 55.22
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
GREAT is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him. lamentations 3:22-24
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. psalm 73:23-28